When a friendship ends: Kelsey

She hated feeling weak.

She aspired to be like one of the stoic women from her favourite books and movies. The strong type that could take care of herself and took no shit from anyone. She often spent hours going over interactions she’d had in her head, but instead of remembering the events verbatim, she would often recast herself in her memories with her alter ego, Georgie.

Georgie was exactly who she wished she was. Georgie always said what she wished she had said.

But she wasn’t Georgie. She was Kelsey. And Kelsey was, to her chagrin, an open book for anyone to read. If she felt any emotion too strongly, the tears would pour out of her, completely unbidden.

So, she was crying.

She was mostly mad. Furious, really. But, like any heightened emotion, this translated in her to a flood of tears.

“God, you are such an ugly crier.” Monica said, sitting back on the couch and crossing her arms. “Can’t you get through this conversation without crying? I don’t even want to look at you.”

Kelsey wondered who would have the audacity to turn up the heat at a time like this. There was no other logical explanation for the newly red hue of her skin or her sudden desire to remove her sweater. Then again, those phenomenons could maybe be explained by the boiling blood rushing in her ears.

“I’m sorry my tears are upsetting you.” Georgie would have said. “I’m sorry that I’m having an emotional reaction to this situation. There’s something mildly upsetting when your roommate and best friend of three years tells you that you’re a horrible person and that she wants nothing to do with you.”

Unfortunately, Georgie had never really gained the courage to speak until Kelsey was alone. There was so much she wanted to say. How Monica had been inconsiderate and distant for months. How she didn’t appreciate how Monica treated her. How she had initiated the conversation to save their friendship, and how she didn’t understand how they had gotten here.

Those words, like Georgie’s, wouldn’t form until it was too late. Instead, what came out of her mouth was, “I’m sorry.”

Monica shrugged. “We both made mistakes, Kels, but looking back on our relationship I can honestly say that at any point I tried my hardest.”

Kelsey wondered at the audacity. There they were, three months away from a pre-decided move out, with hardly any time to fix anything, and Monica was convinced she’d tried her hardest? According to her, the problems had been there from the start, but this was the first Monica had mentioned the issues. Kelsey had spent years thinking everything was okay. There had been times when Monica had seemed off — mad for reasons beyond Kelsey’s understanding. So, Kelsey had asked her what was wrong, and Monica had assured her that if she were ever to have a problem with her, she would say something.

Not punctually, apparently.

Kelsey tried her best to compose herself. She didn’t want to add her ugly, tear streaked face to her already long list of transgressions. After a moment, she was able to choke out, “what about our friendship? Do you want to be my friend anymore?”

It was amazing how Monica made their second hand couch seem like a throne. “I honestly don’t know.”

God, where was Georgie when she needed her? Kelsey would have given anything to morph into her alter ego. To demand respect. To call Monica out on the smug look on her face that she was doing less and less to try and hide. Monica had been on the debate team in high school. She was proud to win any argument.

Kelsey hated herself for being surprised that Monica would throw her under the bus to do it.

“So,” Kelsey began softly, taking deep breaths to try and discourage any resurgent strong emotions. “what now then?”

“Now we be civil.” Monica stood and began to head for her room. “Think you can handle that?” she added over her shoulder.

Kelsey shrugged. “I’m an actor, Monica. If civil was all you wanted we didn’t have to go through any of his. I can act civil. I was just trying to save our friendship.”

Monica heard. Kelsey knew she had heard. But she did not turn back.

In the weeks to come, Kelsey would review the fight with other friends and be told again and again that she was a good person. She would be told that the problem seemed to lie with Monica. She would let Georgie have free rein in her memory of the argument, and in all those scenarios Georgie would come out with the champion’s belt.

Despite all of that, Kelsey packed her things three months later with the undoubted knowledge that she was a bad person. There was no amount of logic in the world to convince her otherwise.

This is part one of a two part series. Part two can be read here.