I’m not a tease, you’re just entitled.
Yesterday I watched a Jubilee Middle Ground Youtube video that posed the question: should sons be raised differently than daughters? In the discussion, which included three dads and their daughters, one of the dads was talking about how he wouldn’t let his 20 year old daughter move in with her long time male platonic friend. One of the other fathers enthusiastically agreed, adding that boys and girls can’t live together without getting into a sexual situation. He continued, saying that girls were teases.
Deep breath. Be calm. Don’t yell. Okay.
Setting aside the fact that the one dad should have no say in who his adult daughter lives with, sleeps with, or looks at twice, and that this is generally a super heteronormative way of thinking, I want to focus in on the whole “women are teases thing”.
No one can, or should be held accountable to who they are attracted to. Attraction is not something that any of us can control. Different things attract different people, and we cannot help our feelings. Our emotional responses cannot be policed or predicted.
What we are responsible for is how we act on those feelings.
Environmental factors can have a huge impact on how we perceive a situation, especially in the heat of the moment, but our actions are 100% our own, and we are accountable for them.
It doesn’t matter why you’re late for work, but if you don’t show up on time you are letting people down and will face consequences.
It doesn’t matter that you thought the light was green, but if you run a red light you will get a ticket.
It doesn’t matter what she was wearing or how she was acting, but if you have sex with her without her consent it is rape.
At the heart of the whole “women are teases” thing is the belief that what women do is for the benefit of men. This is not the way the world works. Take it from a woman.
Let’s discuss clothing for a moment. There could be a million reasons why someone wears what they wear when they get dressed for the day. What is on their schedule? Do they need to look professional? Do they need to be able to move easily? Are they likely to get dirty? What’s their mood like? What version of themselves do they want to put forward?
You may argue that people (men and women included) sometimes dress for the benefit of another person. I would counter that this is never the case.
If I want my date to think I’m sexy, I will wear what makes me feel sexy. This is influenced by my preferences, not theirs. When I want to impress my boyfriend, I will wear what I feel most confident in. Sure, I know what my boyfriend likes, and I can play into that, but if I’m not feeling it, I don’t wear it. If what makes me feel my best makes someone else take notice, then this in itself is not an issue. What is an issue is if the person who takes notice believes inherently that I am there for their benefit. That they, by experiencing certain feelings, are entitled to me in some way.
This loops back to my previous point. You can’t help how you feel, but you should always be held accountable for what you do about those feelings.
In some cases, the action of wearing a certain outfit can result in consequences. If I show up to work in pyjamas I might get reprimanded. If I go to school in clothing that breaks the (likely sexist) dress code, I will be sent home.
In these cases, I am breaking explicit rules with my clothing. I am aware of these rules, and I made the choice to act against them. In these cases what I wear is the action that results in consequences.
Now, let’s say I go out one night, wearing something that makes me feel confident and sexy, and you feel attraction to me. Maybe I notice you, maybe I don’t. Maybe I run my hands through my hair. Maybe I have a drink.
Am I teasing you? No. I’m not. It is not my fault that you are attracted to me. And you know what? It’s not yours either. It is nobody’s fault. There is no blame here. You are allowed to be attracted to me, and I am allowed to look attractive. What you’re not allowed to do is to touch me in any way unless I tell you that it’s okay.
You have a choice. You feel attracted to me, and what you do next is an active decision. If you were taught that women are teases and that what we do is for male attention, then you have an inherent sense of entitlement. This is dangerous, because it can result in the belief that women owe you something. That we are here for you and what we wear or how we act is about you.
It’s not. It never is.
Even if the feeling is mutual, don’t go flattering yourself. I wore what I wore because it made me feel good. I run my hands through my hair because I am a little obsessed with how soft it is and it’s mine so I’m allowed to touch it. It’s not about you.
If you are attracted to me and you decide that you are going to have sex with me without my consent, then your actions will result in unpleasant consequences. If you are attracted to me and decide that you are going to have sex with me and ask for my consent, then it is my turn to act. I make my choice, and you have to respect my decision because I owe you nothing and I am not here for you.
There is this rumour floating around that men have higher sex drives than women because of their testosterone (also mentioned in the aforementioned video). This is very untrue. Sex drive is not determined by gender. Different people have different levels of sex drive, but men are more encouraged to act on their sex dries, and more forgiven when they do.
When I was a teenager, I had a super high sex drive. I wanted to have sex. I was a virgin, but I had my hands down my pants constantly. I was so self conscious of this. Where the boys my age had movies like Superbad that normalized their feelings, I had nothing in my life or education to teach me that masturbation was okay. At the age of 13, I thought I broke my period by masturbating when it stopped suddenly for a completely unrelated reason.
No one in high school wanted to have sex with me. I didn’t go around propositioning people, but the opportunity never arose regardless. The biggest difference between me and the average “Incel” is that I did not feel entitled to sex. I was not resentful to the boys around me for not being attracted to me. They couldn’t help who they were attracted to any more than I could. If they weren’t attracted to me, it wasn’t their fault. I was never taught that men tease. No matter how much I wanted to have sex with them, I never felt entitled to their attentions no matter how good they looked or how they acted.
In short, this ludicrous idea that women are teases plays into the inherent entitlement that some men feel over the female gender. We are not here for you. What I do is not driven by the men around me. I have agency. I have drive. And believe me, its got nothing to do with you.
